Supporting Women

In the first three blogs of this series I demonstrated the existence of patriarchy, unpacked the pretenses of porn, and highlighted the horrors of prostitution. Although there are many more sex-based problems to unpack, we can already see why men should ally with radical feminists: not because men are innately corrupt but because patriarchy is inescapable and corruptive, and only radical feminism critiques patriarchy as such to help us overcome that corruption and realize our full humanity. ¹

The courage and coherence of radical feminists notwithstanding, the disciplinary constraints of patriarchy are overpowering, and exceedingly few boys and men will make the choice to ally with radical feminists merely because of conversation, or support women's rights simply because it's humane and logical. To the contrary, though we understand the root of the problem is the system and the behaviours that system generates, when studying history we learn there is no reason to believe any oppressor class will alter their behaviour unless they are forced to do so.

In the case of women's rights, as Gail Dines observes:

It is always on the oppressed groups to force the oppressor to change. We can't wait around for men to take the lead, we need to be organizing on a level that forces men to change. And this is never a one-time project, but an ongoing battle that takes fortitude and courage on our part ²

Indeed,

If [women's] slavery is ever to be destroyed "root and branch," women will have to destroy it. Men, as their history attests, will only pluck its buds and pick its flowers. ³

Thus, while the responsibility for causing sex-based oppression is unambiguously on men, and we understand "it's not women's behaviour that has to change; it's men's", ⁴ regrettably we also understand that victory comes only when those with power are compelled to make changes because of political action initiated by the oppressed.

Fortunately, though politics are complicated, the strategy for solving sex-based oppression is simple: men need to listen to women and girls because they are the ones enduring sex-based torments, ⁵ then men need to break the patriarchal pact by confronting misogyny in themselves and others. Unsurprisingly, the best method for devising tactics to implement this strategy is also straightforward: men can follow the lead of radical feminists who have paved the way and proven themselves to be the only group dedicated to eradicating sex-based oppression.

For my part, the tactic I've found most effective when speaking with others about male violence is to focus on real harm in the real world, instead of ethical or moral confabulation. This is not to suggest morals are irrelevant, or that blogs about real harm will sway anyone after a single reading or even ten readings (and make no mistake, when challenging misogyny you will be ignored, misrepresented, maligned, threatened, and lose friends — in a word, you'll be cancelled, ⁶ because that's how patriarchy teaches men to respond in general when their beliefs or behaviours are questioned, however polite the inquiry may be). But, conducting careful research and repeatedly applying your findings to fact-based conversations will help chip away at people's illusions and expose patriarchy as the woman-hating system it is, making it difficult for men to blithely continue defending patriarchy as a benevolent dictatorship.

The famed narcissist Leo Tolstoy, revered by patriarchs for his beautiful words despite his hideous behaviour, which was recounted in detail by his wife Sophia. (Painting by Ilya Repin.)

Here a potential concern arises: I am a man making source selections about women's issues, when women should be the ones directing these conversations. I absolutely agree that women must lead conversations about patriarchy. The question is: which women? Men have compelled and terrorized a great many women into adopting the role of patriarchal collaborators and apologists — or, as Maly Daly puts it: "feminine nonwomen" and "hollow holograms" — who would sooner destroy radical feminist resources rather than share them, let alone read them. So, because radical feminists are the only group focused on helping women overcome that terror, they are the women to lead conversations about patriarchy, and my role is to do what I can to boost their voices. Therefore, while it's true that I'm a man asking women and men to reflect on sex-based oppression, the important point is that my sources are aligned with the only group working to abolish that oppression.

On this point Robert Jensen notes: “I am not explaining women's experiences to them but using the work of feminist women to make sense of my experience of the sex/gender system in which I live” and I'm spreading the word about the work of these women because “a critique of patriarchy is" an essential "part of a larger struggle for a just and sustainable world for everyone.” ⁷ That being said: please don't take my word for anything, ever. Scrutinize and challenge my claims and reasoning. Read widely, especially things you disagree with, and never trust anyone who suggests you should avoid certain people or books or ideas. ⁸ Here are some of the sources and things I've been reading. Have a look, and let me know your thoughts.

Apart from promoting women's words, and as far as supporting women's work goes, until we replace patriarchy it's a safe bet the requirements of radfem projects will consistently outstrip their available resources. For these reasons, the main options for men to support the women's movement are:

• Work with men's organizations that confront misogyny

• Provide help directly to women's organizations

Regarding the first option, example organizations include White Ribbon, Equimundo, and Men At Work.

Regarding the second option, if a man is lucky enough to find a women's organization that is able to integrate services provided by men, I advocate that male volunteers remain permanently external to the organization, because only women understand how to manage and protect their organizations. The purpose here is for women to draw on the myriad advantages men have access to because of male privilege, so that women can deploy those privileges to advance their institutional vision, thereby offloading male privilege to women, one task at a time. The important thing for men to understand is that women will define their organization's political vision without any male input (e.g. smash the patriarchy) and that vision will drive their mission (e.g. abolish prostitution) and provide a framework for making decisions to fulfill that mission (e.g. the Nordic Model), and this will give rise to specific projects that the women may allow men to help with (e.g. webinars, email campaigns, etc). Thus, if a women's group accepts a male as a volunteer then he will act as an external service provider whose work is defined, prioritized, and assigned to him by women in the organization, and the women retain full control over his outputs including the option to reject his involvement in any way, at any time, for any reason.

Further to this, if you are a man who wants to support women, then it's crucial to accept the fact that:

Some women won’t interact with you. That’s fine. You should back off ... Just accept that there are some women who are still too raw from the violence perpetrated upon them by men to want to listen to the views of any man about an experience they have had which he has not ... They may not talk to you politely, or humour your views about things they’ve been saying for a very long time. They have no obligation to do so. Women who have survived under patriarchy are far too aware of the potential threat of men in their midst. They are wary. You have centuries of male violence to make amends for. ⁹

In this situation I suggest you thank the group for their work, make a donation, and move along.

Ultimately then, for men to help stop sex-based oppression and avoid becoming obstacles to women's liberation, they must understand the women's movement is about liberating women from male oppression. This means men can support the women's movement from outside, because the women's movement itself “is for born women, and for born women only.” ¹⁰

Also: shirts. Shirts are crucial. Men would do well to walk around calmly, wearing “male fragility” t-shirts designed with a leitmotif that embodies patriarchal absurdity: